Going up.

The topic for today’s blog: Elevator Shoes.

Fortunately (yet unfortunately), not many male celebrities (ahem, Elijah Wood) follow A Fork in the Rhode, so I don’t think I’ll offend too many of our readers.

So let’s get right into it. In my 22 years of living and interacting with other humans, I’ve made quite a keen observation--Short men have a very similar height complex to extremely tall women. Sadly, women beyond a 6’2” stature can do very little to mask their towering appearance. Squatty men, on the other hand, have the grand luxury of wearing…elevator shoes.

In case you’re puzzled, take a quick peek at tallmenshoes.com—“a leading American online store featuring Men’s Height Increase Elevator Shoes.” Mmmkay...so read on and we see that they’ve developed average-looking shoes that have a hidden 2 to 5 inch heel inside… they improve posture..are made of high quality leather..the list of benefits goes on and on…. Now get to the bottom of the paragraph, and things quickly become perplexing…”Elevator shoes are the only and final solution to height increasement.”


FINAL!? Hardly. Allow me to paint a Mona Lisa.

It’s Friday. Darren (at a paltry 5’4”) is prepping for a night out with the boys. After a grueling weight lifting sesh and downing 2 muscle milks, he gels the hair, picks out his slickest Diesel tee and Sevens, and slips on his 4.4 inch Caldens.

Fast forward to 1:30am. Darren is 8 shots deep, and Maureen (at 5’7”) has been really feeling his fohawk and mysterious winks on the dance floor. As 2 am nears, she makes an executive decision to go home with him. Skip to the next morning…Dar wakes up (sans platform loafers)…and well I think the rest of the story speaks for itself. Maureen has been duped and Darren is left feeling self-conscious and insecure once again.

Let’s face it…elevator shoes are the modern day Wonder Bra. Once they come off, reality rears its ugly head.

The Tackiest Place on Earth

I’ll be the first to admit that an uncomfortable amount of time has passed since our last blog. It took me stumbling upon the Sex and the City episode mentioned in Lauren’s last one to remember how long it’s actually been, and that my life has apparently been devoid of humor since January. BUT I figured as a recent college graduate, having acquired an entirely new set of sophisticated views and perspectives, there’s no better time to post than now. Or maybe it just took a trip to Disneyland.

Disneyland is kind of one of those places like airports or water parks where the people watching becomes almost overwhelming by the time you’ve reached the entrance. With a universal title like “The Happiest Place on Earth,” you’re obviously going to attract a wide variety of tourists from all over the US, and often the whole world. Who wouldn’t want the chance to meet Minnie Mouse, eat a four-dollar churro, or purchase ridiculously unnecessary souvenirs that will more than likely be worn for that one day only?

Which brings me to this photo. What appears to be a strawberry blonde, clip-in hairpiece to accompany a lavish child’s princess gown looks more like a hideous prom up-do gone wrong. The worst part is that we all know this purchase followed a solid 10 minutes of begging and cost at least $17. I’m not trying to be a downer, but I was completely floored by the amount of people twice this girl’s age who opt to spend their money on Mad Hatter wigs, princess crowns or weird variations of Mickey Mouse ears with things like Rastafarian dreadlocks of graduation caps.

Whether or not Space Mountain is closed or your favorite character is on break for the day , the $75 entrance fee is worth the sights alone.

Adults with Braces

There is something really pure and amazing about seeing an adult with braces. It’s a sight very similar to seeing a 45 year-old man drinking strawberry Nesquik or an older woman rollerblading with kneepads and a helmet...Simply stated, you really can’t help but love a grown human with braces.

Now it was hard enough as a young teen, facing some of the most socially [and physically] awkward times of your life and having that shiny metal aglow every time you opened your mouth. Getting braces in 7^th grade, when I was mind numbingly skinny and a head taller than the boys was like wearing a magenta pantsuit at a Playboy party. (Just to clear any confusion.. I’ve never personally been to one of Hef’s social get-togethers, nor have I ever had the pleasure of wearing such a professional ensemble)

I do, however, miss the days of going to the orthodontist and color coordinating my bracket bands with the upcoming holidays. Red and green for Christmas, Orange and black for Halloween (although black was always questionable), and, duh, pastels for the Easter Passover. Of course, you always knew when your classmates had made a trip to the ortho..coming in late to class showing off their new colorful chops.

Unfortunately, most adults miss out on this simple luxury. They’re faced with the mundane silver bands that exhibit a certain level of maturity and class. They’re also masters of hiding the fact that they have a big mouth full o’ metal. Tight-lipped smiles and a heightened awareness of upper lip movement involves enough obsessive thought and energy, it would make even Megan Fox feel self-conscious about her image. I tend to have sympathy for braceface adults..but maybe that’s just me. Although it’s a personal choice to begin orthodontics at such an old age, I feel like it’d be a humbling experience that would bring any normal grown-up right back to the days of week-long dating and loitering in front of Edward Cinemas.

Cheers to 2010, straight teeth, and to wearing your retainers! Love ya.

Exhibit 1: Me and my 6th grade boyfriend Dom. I obviously felt really comfortable with the height difference

Exhibit 2: Favorite episode of SATC...Miranda gets braces. Nothing better.